The Purina Diet

I haven't posted my mom's little funnies in a while so here goes.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for our dog Chip, and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.



USE YOUR ELBOW


A grandmother is giving directions to her Grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the Front door. With your elbow push button 301. I will Buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the Right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you Get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my Doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all These buttons with my elbow"?

"What . . . . . . . . You're coming empty handed?"