Thursday, October 28, 2010

My little Joshua, He would have been 28 today

It is hard for me to think that my little guy would be 28 today if he would still be with us. I really had to fight back the tears today at work. I don't allow my mind to think about that day in Feb. when my baby stopped breathing but it seems on his birthday, I can't help thinking about him. I wonder what he would have been like? What he would be doing right now if he would still be here with us. What he would have looked like? He was our little angel. We only had him for 3 short months but he brought so much love into our home. My boy Bret loved that little boy as much as his dad and I did. I will always be grateful that God blessed me with him.

Joshua was a normal healthy baby. He weighed 7 1/2 pounds when he was born. Joshua was a very good sleeper; he would sleep any where from 8-10 hours each night. He fussed like normal babies, but for the most part he was very good.

I have told only a few people that I had a son that died of "SIDS". Only a few of my closer friends at church are aware of this. I guess it is because I really don't want people to look at me to pity me. I feel at times that we try to out do one another with our testimonies. I don't know why, but I have never given my testimony at my church. I was once asked to, but I declined saying I really didn't want to at that time. I am grateful for the joy that Joshua brought to my life. I don't feel sorry for myself in the least bit. I am grateful for how that little guy blessed my heart each day. His smile brighten up even the saddest of days. We had no money, but we had a lot of love in our home.

We are all sinners and needed Christ to come and die on the cross for our sins. No testimony is better than His. He did the sacrificing.

Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel . . . that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures; and that He was buried, and that He rose again on the third day according to the Scriptures. I Corinthians 15:1-4

Joshua died February 5th 1987. I could see the seen in my head for a very long time after Joshua died. Strange thing, I was really upset that day about having to leave Joshua to go to work. I worked at a little general store; it was right around the corner from my house. I only worked 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. This was enough money to keep Joshua in diapers. My husband worked midnights; I had to wake him up to watch Joshua this particular day. I would normally put him down for his nap, so I would not have to wake my husband. Joshua wanted me to play with him and hold him. I thought this was the reason for my uneasy feeling about leaving him.

My boss had given me an advance on my paycheck so I could buy Joshua diapers. We were very poor at the time. I had quit my job as a bank teller to stay home and raise Joshua. My husband, bless his heart, only made $4.00 an hour at that time.

Anyway, I promised my employer I would be in the next day. This happened to be the day he passed away. My husband put Joshua down so he could take his shower and be all ready when I came home from work. He would always have Joshua up when I got home from work. My husband knew when I walked in the door; I would always want to see Josh.

I was so upset at work, my boss told me to go home early. Like I said, I lived minutes away from this store. My husband had my 8 year old son call me to tell me to come home right away. (I had already left to come home) When I walked in the room, my husband was giving Joshua CPR. It was a scene that I will remember for the rest of my life. I had never heard of SIDS before; I thought Joshua must have choked on something. He was only three months old, but I couldn't figure out why he wasn't breathing. I remember grabbing him from my husband and slapping him on the back to try to free what ever he had swallowed, only formula came out. He was an awful shade of blue at this time.

The ambulance came and took him to a local hospital; they worked on Josh for what seemed like hours. Finally, they came out and told us they had done all they could. I will admit it was very hard, I wanted to blame someone, anyone, but who was to blame? After that, I looked at people with babies and couldn't figure out why it had to be my baby. I didn't want it to be anyone else’s baby. I just wanted my son back.

The day's that followed are truly a fog to me. I remember trying to hold it together at the viewing. People would try to say things to comfort me, but there were really no words that they could say at that time to bring me any comfort. I longed to hold my baby in my arms. The funeral was a nightmare, I remember my husband making me leave the casket and get in the car to drive to the cemetery. After a few years, God did bring me the comfort that only He could give. I posted about this a few days ago.

They have so much information on SIDS now, back then I had never heard of it. I would have never thought that my baby would die in his sleep. I think they figured out that babies are belly breathers. It isn't until later that they become chest (lung) breathers. Joshua was a big boy at three months; he weighted 16 pounds. He never liked to lie on his stomach, but back in the 80's, we were taught at the hospital to make sure we put them on their stomach, so they wouldn't choke on their spit up. Joshua spit up veru badly, for this reason my husband would put Joshua to sleep on his stomach. This is how the hospital told us to put him to sleep. They now tell us to place babies on their sides instead of on their stomachs to go to sleep. I did so much research on SIDS after Joshua died. I just didn't want this to happen to another one of my children. I do remember when my oldest was a baby, I put him on his stomach to sleep.

That was a long time ago. I would do it all over again to have him for those few months.

By oldest son wrote this, on what would have been Joshua's fifth Birthday. I keep this in the back of Joshua's photo album.

October 27, 1991

It is almost five years after Joshua’s death. He would have gone to school this year. He would have had a sister and two brothers. Tomorrow he would have turned five. Even though he died a long time ago; he is still loved by his whole family, especially his big brother.

A little side note; My oldest son named his son after our Joshua.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I'm gonna be a Grandmother again

It feels so good to be back blogging again. I missed writing my thoughts down each day. I will first begin with my son, Aaron. My Sailor got married last January to a beautiful young lady named Mirta. I am going to be a Grandmother again. AJ will arrive around Thanksgiving. I can't believe my baby is going to be a daddy. I find it so hard to believe! Not that he can't handle it but how did he get so old. I am excited! I can't wait to be able to hold our bundle of joy. Aaron and Mirta will be coming for a visit at the end of December. Just how am I suppose to wait that long to see our baby.

Aaron is a Petty Officer now. I am so proud of him.

More to come.....

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Where do I begin?

It has been so very long since I've blogged. How do I begin again? Going back to work full-time was very hard for me. For the last year and a half I think I have been going through the motions of living. I have missed writing down my thoughts each day. When I blogged daily before, it was a relief just to get things off my mind. I will try and begin again...