Friday, September 01, 2006

Joshua's Story



Joshua was a normal healthy baby. He weighed 7 1/2 pounds when he was born. Joshua was a very good sleeper; he would sleep any where from 8-10 hours each night. He fussed like normal babies, but for the most part he was very good.





I have told only a few people that I had a son that died of "SIDS". Only a few of my closer friends at church are aware of this. I guess it is because I really don't want people to look at me to pity me. I feel at times that we try to out do one another with our testimonies. I don't know why, but I have never given my testimony at my church. I was once asked to, but I declined saying I really didn't want to at that time. I am grateful for the joy that Joshua brought to my life. I don't feel sorry for myself in the least bit. I am grateful for how that little guy blessed my heart each day. His smile brighten up even the saddest of days. We had no money, but we had a lot of love in our home.

We are all sinners and needed Christ to come and die on the cross for our sins. No testimony is better than His. He did the sacrificing.

Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel . . . that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures; and that He was buried, and that He rose again on the third day according to the Scriptures. I Corinthians 15:1-4

Joshua died February 5th 1987. I could see the seen in my head for a very long time after Joshua died. Strange thing, I was really upset that day about having to leave Joshua to go to work. I worked at a little general store; it was right around the corner from my house. I only worked 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. This was enough money to keep Joshua in diapers. My husband worked midnights; I had to wake him up to watch Joshua this particular day. I would normally put him down for his nap, so I would not have to wake my husband. Joshua wanted me to play with him and hold him. I thought this was the reason for my uneasy feeling about leaving him.

My boss had given me an advance on my paycheck so I could buy Joshua diapers. We were very poor at the time. I had quit my job as a bank teller to stay home and raise Joshua. My husband, bless his heart, only made $4.00 an hour at that time.

Anyway, I promised my employer I would be in the next day. This happened to be the day he passed away. My husband put Joshua down so he could take his shower and be all ready when I came home from work. He would always have Joshua up when I got home from work. My husband knew when I walked in the door; I would always want to see Josh.

I was so upset at work, my boss told me to go home early. Like I said, I lived minutes away from this store. My husband had my 8 year old son call me to tell me to come home right away. (I had already left to come home) When I walked in the room, my husband was giving Joshua CPR. It was a scene that I will remember for the rest of my life. I had never heard of SIDS before; I thought Joshua must have choked on something. He was only three months old, but I couldn't figure out why he wasn't breathing. I remember grabbing him from my husband and slapping him on the back to try to free what ever he had swallowed, only formula came out. He was an awful shade of blue at this time.

The ambulance came and took him to a local hospital; they worked on Josh for what seemed like hours. Finally, they came out and told us they had done all they could. I will admit it was very hard, I wanted to blame someone, anyone, but who was to blame? After that, I looked at people with babies and couldn't figure out why it had to be my baby. I didn't want it to be anyone else’s baby. I just wanted my son back.

The day's that followed are truly a fog to me. I remember trying to hold it together at the viewing. People would try to say things to comfort me, but there were really no words that they could say at that time to bring me any comfort. I longed to hold my baby in my arms. The funeral was a nightmare, I remember my husband making me leave the casket and get in the car to drive to the cemetery. After a few years, God did bring me the comfort that only He could give. I posted about this a few days ago.

They have so much information on SIDS now, back then I had never heard of it. I would have never thought that my baby would die in his sleep. I think they figured out that babies are belly breathers. It isn't until later that they become chest (lung) breathers. Joshua was a big boy at three months; he weighted 16 pounds. He never liked to lie on his stomach, but back in the 80's, we were taught at the hospital to make sure we put them on their stomach, so they wouldn't choke on their spit up. Joshua spit up veru badly, for this reason my husband would put Joshua to sleep on his stomach. This is how the hospital told us to put him to sleep. They now tell us to place babies on their sides instead of on their stomachs to go to sleep. I did so much research on SIDS after Joshua died. I just didn't want this to happen to another one of my children. I do remember when my oldest was a baby, I put him on his stomach to sleep.

That was a long time ago. I would do it all over again to have him for those few months.

By oldest son wrote this, on what would have been Joshua's fifth Birthday. I keep this in the back of Joshua's photo album.

October 27, 1991

It is almost five years after Joshua’s death. He would have gone to school this year. He would have had a sister and two brothers. Tomorrow he would have turned five. Even though he died a long time ago; he is still loved by his whole family, especially his big brother.

A little side note; My oldest son named his son after our Joshua.

63 comments:

lori said...

Jel said...

thank you, for sharing this!



huggs

9:26 PM

lori said...

I'm sorry Jel, I was trying to post Joshua picture and didn't see that I delete the post with your comment on it. I think I am finally done. Thank you for reading my blog. I guess after all of these years it is not so hurtful to talk about what had happen so long ago. It was nice to look through all the pictures. I got a true blessing the last few day just remembering.

jel said...

I'm glad you got a blessing !



many more blessing to you and your family!

huggs

Revee said...

Lori, thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine the heartache you suffered when this first happened. I am so glad that God has brought you to a place of comfort where you can share with others your experience. You are a good testimony to the healing work of Christ!

Jim said...

Hi Lori -- I'm just catching up with blogs and was stopped cold by yours of the last couple of days.

It had to have been terrible for you and your husband and son.
I'm so glad you turned it over to the Lord. I surely hope the other two did too.
I just hadn't thought of that for a death, but I know God lifts our burdens in other matters, why wouldn't He for this?
I will always remember your turning it all over to God. That is so that if the occassion hits someone I can help, I can tell of this.
And it surely will for me too, it is just a matter of time.
God has blessed you so much, with your singing, the children, including Joshua, and all the good you do.
I pray this testimony on your blog can lead someone somewhere to comfort, either by reading it themselves or by hearing of your experience from a reader.
..

David said...

That was so hard to read. I am sorry for your loss.

dot said...

Lori, I'm so sorry. I can well remember when they told us to put babies on their stomachs. I was shocked when I first heard that you weren't supposed to do that any more. I wonder what the statistics show on crib deaths since they changed it.

lori said...

Jel,

I can truly say I am blessed. God has seen me through many trials in my life. I pray I can always say I will follow Christ and put Him first in my life, above all else.

lori said...

Revee,

I did suffer deep pain for a long time after Joshua died. I hate to say this, but I couldn't even sing at church. I guess for me, that is why it means so much to me now to be able to, and the fact that I have the deep desire to praise Him through song.

lori said...

Jim,

I felt so sorry for my husband and son. God protected me, for some unknown reason I was not suppose to be home that day. If I gave someone my word, (even though I didn't want to leave Josh that day) I followed through. My husband never talked about how he felt when he found Joshua not breathing and blue. The doctors told us that my husband did all he could for Joshua. I have a new paper clipping from the doctor that tried to revive Joshua. He said, Joshuas oxygen levels were good; they just couldn't get his heart to start back up. My son went through a very hard time. He wanted a brother for many years. (That is another long story) He was so very good with Joshua. He would help out with Josh and play with him. I remember when my son called me before his first child was born. He was in the Navy;He called and asked if I would have a problem with him naming his first son after Joshua. I cried, because I knew how just how much Joshua, his brother meant to him.

lori said...

David,

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I am sorry that this was hard to read. God has brought a peace to my heart over all of it.

lori said...

Dot,

I haven't looked up that information in along time. It would be interesting to see if changing babies sleeping positions reduced infant deaths. I still wonder if they are just guessing. Over the years they have changed there thinking on "SIDS" many times.

Barb said...

Very difficult to read and yet I'm rejoicing that you are even able to write about it. I'm so glad you gave it to God and learned to find an inner peace.

This is, of course, every mother's worse nightmare. I always put my babies to sleep on their tummies too. It scares me so much to think I did that when we now know you shouldn't.

I'm so sorry you went through this. But bless you for talking about it.

e-Mom said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing so much! I've enjoyed reading your stories and looking at your photos. As always, you have the most amazing attitude. God has been at work in your life, and that's a beautiful thing.

lori said...

Barb,

I really never dreamed that anything like this could or would ever happen to me. I am sure everyone that has had a child pass on before them feels this way.

lori said...

e-mom,

I really don't know how people with no hope to see their loved ones again make it through losing a child or someone close to them. If it weren't for Christ in my life, His healing power, I really don't know how I would have made it.

LeslieAnn said...

Oh, Lori...I'm just getting caught up on my blog-reading and this just broke my heart. I was so terrified of SIDS after we had Jack that we bought a monitor for his crib. Every time it went off my heart would stop. He was usually just in the corner of his crib where the monitor couldn't pick up his breathing. Every time that monitor woke me up in the middle of the night my blood would run cold, my heart would go into my throat and I would sprint across the house to his room. I cannot imagine if it had gone off and he had actually stopped breathing. I cannot imagine the sheer panic/terror you must have felt. (or your husband) I am so sorry you had to go through that moment. God has His reasons. (I've learned that through Jack.) And you will see Joshua again. You have a wonderful testimony and the fact that your son named his son Joshua has brought your story full circle.

Dawn said...

Thanks for stopping by today. Your story was very touching. I have a friend who lost her first baby to SIDS. That was over 30 years ago. I don't think there are still good answers to this problem. We always had our kids on their tummies. You just never know, do you? I'm glad that you decided not to be bitter and mourn for 20 years, but to have wonderful memories of the months you had with him. Come back any time!

lori said...

LeslieAnn,

God does have his reasons for allowing thing to happen in our lives that are sometimes impossible to understand and deal with. I can just say, His grace is sufficient to meet all of our needs. Even if it is to comfort in times of great lose.

Your little boy is so adorable. God has given you such a wonderful blessing by giving you Jake.

lori said...

Dawn,

I think you are right about them not having a clue about SIDS. The information has changed from year to year. I really haven't looked to in a while to see what they are saying the cause is now. You are right, you just never know.

Linda said...

Lori,
I feel like I just want to give you a big hug. Your testimony of grace comes through so clearly. I'm so glad you shared it. I know that God will use what He has done in your heart to bless and encourage others. Perhaps it will be more one-on-one rather than in a large group setting. There is nothing like sharing grief with someone who has been there too.
God is good - all the time - even when we cannot possibly understand it. I don't think He expects us too. He just wants us to love and trust Him. I know that you do. That is when the peace comes. It takes time, I know it does, so does God. When I have struggled with great grief, I sometimes can't even pray. He understands. We are on a journey that eventually takes us to the place of perfect peace and joy and life - the place where little Joshua waits for the rest of you to come home.

Sue said...

Hi Lori,
Thanks for visiting me. I am so very sorry to read this story about the loss of your son to SIDS. One of my dearest friends lost her only daughter to this almost forty years ago.
I will never forget that day, the funeral and helping put away all the baby things.
(We used to always put babies on their tummies to sleep)

lori said...

Linda,

You are so very sweet. I can always use a hug that is for sure. If the time comes (and I pray it never will) I will be willing to help someone else through that very hard time in their life. I understand what you are saying when you say when you are going through great grief you can't even pray. I will go on with how I was able to have a closer walk with Him next week.

lori said...

Sue,

That is so sad to hear about your friends only daughter dieing of SIDS. You do know what I went through.

JunieRose said...

Lori,

My heart goes out to you.

I'm glad I found my way to this blog site.

Junie

Peter said...

Hi Lori, thanks for the visit to holtieshouse and your nice comment, that was a very moving post about Joshua, it must be awful to loose a child.

mrsnesbitt said...

Finally managed to work out a way of posting..........

a lovely, moving post to start the week....it certainly puts things into perspective!

Dxx

lori said...

JunieRose,

It is nice meeting you. I am glad you found your way to my blog also. Thank you for the nice comment.

lori said...

Peter,

I will spend more time checking out your blog this week after my children are off at school. I'll need something to keep me busy.

lori said...

mrsnesbitt,

I have gotten serveral emails saying they were having trouble making a comment on my blog. Can you describe to me how you were able to post a comment or what you think the problem is?

Thank you for your very nice comment.

Arti Honrao said...

I do not know what to say, just that I respect the way you looked at the entire matter back then, cherishing the three months you had with your son.

This post IS touching but this is what brought tears to my eyes, seriously

It is almost five years after Joshua’s death. He would have gone to school this year. He would have had a sister and two brothers. Tomorrow he would have turned five. Even though he died a long time ago; he is still loved by his whole family, especially his big brother.

A little side note; My oldest son named his son after our Joshua.

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